


Until It's Gone

by LemonNinjaa



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2144577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonNinjaa/pseuds/LemonNinjaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's too hard to go on without you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until It's Gone

It’s snowing. I hate winter. It’s everything you weren’t, everything I don’t need. You were so warm, so gentle, so kind, so caring. You were a fire that ignited everything it touched, sharing your passion and drive and creativity. You brought inanimate objects to life, you could always make something out of nothing… You brought me to life. You were my summer, my infinite holiday. I could do anything with you, you made me feel human. You made me forget about everything I’d gone through and all of my ghosts couldn’t hang on to me anymore since I had you. You sunk into every crack in my soul and you patched me up so well I could see that the places you filled in shone brighter than the rest of me. You were the better part of my heart, you were the sunshine in my rainstorm, all of that poetic shit. But a thousand poems won’t bring you back. The prettiest painting only pales in comparison to the ethereal beauty you captured on canvas. Rainbows are nothing next to your brilliance.

You honestly were my everything.

The snowflakes kiss my face in a pale imitation of the way you used to kiss me… It’s all wrong. I shouldn’t be here wishing you were here. You should be here with me. But you’re not. You never will be again.

I miss you so fucking much. I wish it could have been anyone else. I don’t care if it’s selfish, I don’t care if people think that makes me a bad person, I just want you back. I want to see your stupid smile and your beautiful eyes and smell your cologne and feel you here next to me. I wish my last memory of you involved much less crimson and far more joy. I never wanted to see you like that. It was like the earth had yanked you down to its crude level because it could no longer stand the jealousy, knowing its greatness was nothing compared to yours. I swear to God the wind whispered your name in countries that will now never see your blessed face. Hurricanes shrieked your name and the sky cried because it could never touch you.

I hate winter even more now. The snowflakes, the cold, it just reminds me of the way I saw you lying there, broken. You were still so beautiful, but you weren’t there anymore. The cold, empty husk you left behind couldn’t hold a candle to your soul. What looked like you wasn’t you anymore.

My gaze slid past all of the grey and white stretching before me. The trees looked like silhouettes of watchmen holding silent vigil. But I was only looking for you… Or what’s left of you. I try not to cry every time I consider the fact that I will never hear your heartbeat again, that I will never be able to smell your clothes without breaking down. I can’t wear any of the shirts you gave me, I can’t sit behind the wheel of a car without thinking of the way you stole kisses as I drove. I can’t go to that Chinese restaurant down the street anymore. Not without you. Nothing is the same without you. My soul is broken again and this time it really can’t be fixed, because all of the cracks you filled in opened again, and in addition to that my heart followed you too, to the one place I can’t follow. I won’t be there for a while yet, but every second I wish I could be. But I can’t. Not yet.

I finally stopped in front of your gravestone. I convinced myself that yours was different from all of the other plain stones here. I convinced myself that yours felt different, looked different. There was no way I would just let you settle into the earth and be normal like everyone else did. You weren’t normal. You were the love of my life and now you’re gone.

I ran my fingers lightly over the ridges in the stone that spelled out your name, your birthdate, and the day you… left me. I hated the way that they were carved just like any other person’s. You deserved more than that. You deserved the entire goddamn world. You should’ve had fucking gilded words scripted gracefully on something that wasn’t plain stone.

I can’t stop crying. A part of me missing and it’s so hard to bear. You had become ingrained in my bones, and it feels like cement tried to compensate for your depth but now I just feel heavy instead of whole. I hugged your stone, trying to pretend that it was you, but the edges bit into my arms. The snow sank into my jeans and I guess this must have been what you felt like then. It must have felt like coldness creeping into your body until you couldn’t feel anymore. I hugged the stone tighter, trying futilely to ground myself in reality, a reality that was cold and empty and dreary without you.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. Without you I am nothing, without you I am even less than what I was before I met you. I can’t do this. We lived in our liar’s palace where we convinced ourselves we’d live forever with each other. But now the walls are cracked and empty and I feel more like those imaginary walls now than I do human. I can’t do this without you. I can’t. 

I rested my head against your stone, feeling the coldness against my cheek. I kissed your name and brushed away the snow that sat on top of it, before whispering one last thing. I’m sure you were listening. I know you were.

“I love you, Mike.”

_To whoever finds this,_

_I’ve heard it said a thousand times, but now I know. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And now he’s gone. I can’t go on without him. I tried so hard to pretend, I thought that maybe if I could fool everyone else around me then maybe eventually I could fool myself. But I can’t. It feels like even my own bones are protesting the loss of his warmth. I can’t get up in the morning anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything without him. I loved him so much and more of me followed him than remains of me here. I’m so sorry but there’s nothing here in this world for me if it’s a world without him. I would rather risk never seeing him again in death than go on in life wasting away and wishing with every fibre in my body that he was still alive. You may think me crazy or deluded or desperate but I have never felt so strongly about someone before and I have never felt so poignantly the loss of someone like this. My heart has died with him and it only feels right for what’s left of me to follow it. I’m so sorry._

_Chester_


End file.
